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today was a day for flailing.  

First off, my phone is officially ridiculous levels of broken.  Before, it just kind of shuddered sometimes to tell me someone was calling, if it did anything at all.  And maybe the hinge-y part was a little broken and missing a chunk, but that just meant it flapped open and closed easily.  Now the screen appears backward and upside down and in photo-negative mode.  How does that even happen?  Also the ear part doesn't work.  Basically it's like a texting puzzle now.  Not bad.  I'll see how long I can deal with it like this and then maybe I'll see about getting a new one.

I just dropped it one too many times.  Poor guy.

Also, I went to fill up this 5 gallon thing of water in my mom's car 'cause we blow through one of those in two days because it is the hottest of balls in this place.  And the asshole tipped over while I was driving home.  So I reached behind me and tried to right it while driving (idiotic).  Then I put my foot on the brake and continued slapping the jug.  Then I put the car in park and slapped and clawed at it some more.  Then I got out of the car and picked that shit up with both arms like a lady with some thoughts.  I spilled maybe a gallon of water in the backseat.  Woops.

I'll probably start packing soon.


Have you ever used prickly heat powder?  I think it's pretty common in super humid places.  Thai people use it.  It's powder that you put on after a shower and it has a cooling effect.  Well, kind of cooling.  I just stepped out of the shower and rubbed some on to form a paste all over my torso and neck.  And it was fine when I was in the sorta humid bathroom.  And then I walked into my bedroom and the ceiling fan and the dry air and the powder did this magic firey (surely fire-y is a word... how is it spelled?  Fiery!  Weird!) cold agony thing.  Goose pimples and burning.  Super unpleasant.  I will have you try it when we are in the same place and I have prickly heat powder on hand and you are interested.

But for real, it is balls hot in this house.  It's in the nineties during the day.  Inside the house.  It's turning me nocturnal and removing my short term memory.  

I am going to have air conditioning in Kansas, where I will live like a king and my queen will join me and we will be air conditioned royalty, sitting on futon thrones and eating grapes all day until we have diarrhea.  Minus the grapes and the diarrhea!

I really need to start packing.  I hereby swear that I will not be an asshole about moving ever again.  

I am too excited to see people.


I am moving to Kansas next week.  What?!  What?  I am.  It's too crazy.

I'm going to try and pack like a sensible human.

10 days is really soon.  Also, what?  Next week?  What? Ah!

idea shower

Sometimes you wake up with an idea in your head.  This morning, my idea is for a sleeve. 

Probably my days of dreaming about getting a sleeve are over (not true, I was just looking at painting of Thai mythical scenes and thinking all about that shit), but I may have had the best sleeve idea I will ever have.

As far as literary tattoos go, I don't think you can do better than having a talented tattoo artist do a creative interpretation of the map of Gilder and Florin from The Princess Bride.  The artist could jazz up items like Fezzik's wheel barrow by jamming in a small scene or portrait of Andre the Giant on fire.  So many options.  Someone do it.  Thanks.

get your novaries off my ovaries

Today, instead of working real hard (until I went to the restaurant and worked so hard), I made this tiny uterus friend:

I just did a google image search of "uterus finger puppet" and did not find even one.  Two thoughts: 1) did I succeed in being clever, or is this guy just in really poor taste? 2) One must never, ever google image search "uterus finger puppet." Not ever.

I think I'll make more of these.  Maybe one with an eye patch for my lovely friend who had an ovary removed recently.

The pattern, insofar as there is one since I cannot read them, is based off of this thing http://www.knitty.com/ISSUEwinter04/PATTwomb.html.

I think also, it was inspired by Kate Beaton's fat pony, as I believe this is what its uterus would look like if it had one.  

Note: human uteri and horse uteri don't look the same and "horse uterus" is also a thing you might think twice about googling at 2am.

festivus: check

first off, I've never seen an episode of Seinfeld in my life (because I am only half white, after all).  But!  I learned today what Festivus is.  So hooray.

Second, I am not one to catalog my gifts, but my mom's husband totally got me a bottle of grey goose to share with him.  So that's weird and nice.  Oh, and a bottle of cosmo juice!  I've had a cosmo now! Right now, my life is almost exactly like Sex and the City except that I am unkempt and wearing paint stained pajamas and an earflap hat and I spent the evening making dumb things out of clay and watching Portlandia.

Also, my mom brought me a cake from chinatown!  So it's mostly whipped cream and jelly coated fruit on a rubbery yellow cake.  Just how I like it!  Honestly.  I'm very happy.  And, she wrote "Happy birthday cake for patrice!" on the box with a long line of hearts. Gosh.

Best birthday in a while (excepting the Best Birthday of Anyone's Life Ever of Aught 8).  Best regular day since two weeks ago, probably.  Who knows.  I did laundry and baked cupcakes.  Officially too boring now, sorry.

Happy Holidays!


This is a boring reflection post wherein I acknowledge that I'm 27 now so I can maybe read about it later and have feelings.

First off, because I was a morbid kid with a Kurt Cobain obsession, I did not for a long time think I would make it to the big 27.  But, because I am not as talented or as interesting as I thought I would be, I made it.  Hooray.

Some things have changed since I was a middle school person contemplating adulthood:
  1. I am bigger now, in terms of body size.  In fact, I am bigger than I have ever been, probably.  At what age do people start shrinking?  
  2. I like dark chocolate. So dark.  Also, black coffee.  Bitter things!  I love you now!
  3. I have abandoned the vague plan of being married by 25 and having babies also by 25 (nice planning, kid me).  And, please note that I never daydreamed about weddings; I was mostly just making a timeline.  But!  I like babies and small children now.  This is a relatively recent development.  The gay thing kinda threw a wrench in the marriage business (, which I wasn't really into anyway), but I'm scheming baby schemes lately.  
  4. Third consecutive long distance relationship!  
  5. Still working at my mom's restaurant.  Tonight I made a thousand chicken pad thais.  
  6. So far, I've applied to 6 out of 9 PhD programs on my list.  
  7. I actually feel like maybe I've leveled out quite a bit in the past few months.  That's neat.
  8. Oh, I'm out to my whole family that matters, and even some family that doesn't matter at all.  And!  I'm feeling more and more comfortable with it.  
Ta dum.  

like a resolution

I'm gonna see if I can't learn to dress like an adult woman.  Lately, whenever I try to dress like an adult, I get called sir.  Which is fine.  Whatever.  Well, no.  It's kind of annoying because the people are either 1) super apologetic like they just accidentally delivered the gravest of insults or 2) giggly and obnoxious because they just intentionally delivered the gravest of insults.  I don't care if I look like a dude, or androgynous, or whatever.  I'm an androgynous kinda person.  But I don't like the attitudes that come with being mis-perceived.  Duh.

Anyway.  My closet is full (and I use the word "full" lightly) of hand-me-down polos and children's t-shirts and skinny jeans.  I will so slowly work on fixing that situation.

I will acquire blouses.  

Man, that was boring.  
For posterity because I change recipes without noting the changes or the original recipes or anything useful.

Today I took a chocolate cake recipe (http://bakedbree.com/mexican-chocolate-cake-with-mascarpone-frosting) that I made for my class with a few tweaks (because who can afford mascarpone? and also because I added a little anise extract to the filling stuff) and tweaked it still some more.  I left out all the spice-y action, because I basically wanted just a straight up chocolate flavored thing.  Then I replaced all that goddamn oil with a couple avocados, which I cubed and threw in the blender with the milk. Also, I added maybe a cup or less of mini tiny chocolate chips, because they are cute and because I was not overwhelmed by the chocolatiness of the first attempt with this recipe. And I baked 'em as cupcakes.  Bam.  Boom.  

They came out moist and chocolatey as hell.  Super delicious.

Now, when I was researching avocado chocolate cake, the standard is this vegan number that includes avocado frosting.  First off, I'm not vegan and I don't want to be.  However: respect, my vegan friends.  Respect.  Anyway, that's one reason I went with altering a non-vegan recipe.  I like dairy.  It is delicious.  Second, the avocado substitution is less about health concerns and more about fun experiments in the kitchen.  But also health, a little bit.  Because cakes are oily when they are delicious.  Third!  I altered and then abandoned the avocado frosting.  The recipe is basically avocados mashed with powdered sugar and it tastes basically like avocados mashed with powdered sugar.  I'm not really into that, texture or taste or color-wise.  So!  I did a smooth avocado + sugar + vanilla paste but then I folded in some cream I whipped with an electric mixer because that is my new favorite thing to do because it is so easy and my forearms don't explode.  So the texture is lighter and creamier and the taste is less SWEET AVOCADO PASTEy.  But it doesn't thrill me.  It's all right.  It tastes vaguely like lotion smells.  

And then I figured, why am I going with this avocado theme nonsense?  Substituting avocado for oil is brilliant and useful and tasty and healthy.  Hooray!  But do I need my cupcakes to be all avocadoed out?  No, I do not.  Because that is dumb.  So I'm going to make a simple orange glaze to put on the rest of the cupcakes.  Or chocolate frosting.  Or buttercream frosting.  Basically any legitimate thing that goes on a cupcake would be better than avocado frosting, which I feel is more about clever points than tasty points.  But it's not awful.  It's just not amazing levels of delicious.  And we're talking about motherfucking chocolate cupcakes here, so why mess around with that junk?

teeth and christmas and stuff

First off, I saw David Sedaris do a short reading at the UA bookstore yesterday and it was the best.  I want to be David Sedaris when I grow up.  I didn't wait in the fairly considerable line to get a thing signed, but I wanted to.  I swear.  I had postcards picked out and everything.  

Second off, I do, in fact need another root canal.  Boo.  Or, I could get the tooth pulled.  I'm considering my options.  

Third off, it's pretty cold in my house!  But, it's also pretty nice because my ear aches and I can put my frozen pinky in my ear and boom.  Instant relief.

On to the important stuff!  Christmas is dumb, obviously, but what is really annoying is Christmas celebrating people who get their hackles up when other people don't want to hear about Christmas all the goddamn time.  Like, I don't mind if someone "Merry Christmas"s me.  Whatever, fine.  I don't care: I like any holiday that involves sparkly things and food.  But! When Christian fools are all like, "Merry Christmas!  Oh, I hope I didn't offend your delicate senses with such a brash remark, ha ha ha," then I'm like, "fuck you in the nose."  Because that attitude of disbelief that anyone would find offense in hearing the most innocuous, wonderful, loving greeting of all time is just bullshit.  You cannot go any goddamn where this time of year without getting an earful of christmas music, and fucking christmas trees everywhichway and Santa Claus's ass all over the place.  So, if your whole fucking world is invaded by the commercialized, blown up franken-simulacra-stein's animated carcass of like the oppressive, dominant faith, then I feel like you should be able to at least--at the motherfucking least--express distaste at being greeted with "Merry Christmas."  And the Christian victim of PC robot censorship can eat it.  

Because: I have a problem with people being forced to be ok with the UNIVERSAL GOOD 'N' NEUTRALNESS of commercial Christianity.

But I don't have a problem with my god-lovin' friends.  Of course.